15th Free "Dear Lucky Agent" Contest: Young Adult Fiction

Dear Writer Friends,

If you have written a Y.A. novel and would like to have it seen by someone who could help you get it published, this is the contest for you. Follow this link for more information:

http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/guide-to-literary-agents/15th-free-dear-lucky-agent-contest-young-adult-fiction?et_mid=665838&rid=239659032

Warm Bodies: The Unexpected Love Story

(Disclaimer: I do not own Warm Bodies or any images pertaining to it on this post.)

          R is in a rut. He spends every day in the same lifeless routine, in his suit and tie, with bags under his eyes and no conscious desire to change, because he doesn’t know he can. That is until he meets Julie, a lively, full-blooded girl, who causes something inside him to change. For the first time since he can remember he makes a choice. From this a romance he never thought possible slowly starts to exhume itself from the depths of its supposed impossibility. Their only concern—her family doesn’t approve of him and his family wants to eat hers… 

            In Isaac Marion’s break out novel Warm Bodies, he changes everything you thought you knew about Zombies, and Romeo and Juliet.

            R is a zombie who tells us his gruesome, funny and moving story about his life as a zombie—from desiring nothing but an occasional meal to meeting Julie on a hunting party where in place of eating her he unexpectedly feels something inside him move. Instead of following his zombie instincts he brings her home and protects her and bit by bit starts to feel human again. In the process he effects change in other zombies as well, while simultaneously and inadvertently starting a war with zombies so far gone, their skin has rotted from their bones, and their intentions so evil, even the other zombies fear them.

            Warm Bodies has a touching yet unexpected romance that very subtly follows the story of Romeo and Juliet, and even has a balcony scene. It’s entertaining and makes you chuckle at the absurd, but totally logical steps it takes to accomplish this aspect of the story. We are so used to zombie stories being about mindless, cannibals that hunt humans down and while that aspect is still very present, even with R, you can’t help but hope that he will win Julie.

You are immediately drawn in by R’s unintentional humor and desire to be better:

“‘Dead.' My eyes drift toward the sky and lose their focus. ‘Want it…to hurt. But doesn’t.’…I wonder if I’ve expressed anything at all with my halting, mumbled soliloquy […] I want to change my punctuation. I long for exclamation marks, but I’m drowning in ellipses,’ (Pg. 51 Warm Bodies.)”

            
         Marion has accomplished something in his first novel that no one has attempted in a zombie novel before—to make you feel for the zombie. He makes you want to cheer for him when he succeeds, and lament with him when he doesn’t. He takes R through the process of learning to live again and we get to go along for the ride, to feel not only for him, but with him. It’s more poignant for us, because of how fresh it all is for him. It’s intriguing, disgusting, amusing, startling, and lovely. Throughout the story the question burning at the back of your mind will be whether or not R will have a happily ever after, but that’s an answer you’ll only get by reading the book for yourself.

“Real Fans” of the Mentalist Malcontents and Haters?

(Contains spoilers from season 6 of The Mentalist episodes one-eight.)

          After a good month of voting for the Mentalist for a People’s Choice Award for Best Tv Crime Drama on the PCA app, Facebook and Twitter, I have become a part of a group of The Mentalist fans that are, sometimes to my dismay, excessively good at finding spoilers. They have even introduced me to words that were all but foreign to me such as “Jisbon,” “Shipper,” and “OTP,” which will be important in a minute. Last night I happened across a tweet/spoiler that caught my attention and lead me to an article at www.tvline.com/2013/2014/thementalist-season-6-brianna-brown-jane-date/.

            The spoiler itself was less than earth shattering, apparently Jane is going to ask a girl out on a date in an upcoming episode, but out of my naive love for the show I started reading the comments thinking that people would be going on about how awesome it is. Boy was I wrong and further, what I found there was enough to give me a sleepless night that in turn led to this article. (By the way, I make no allusions to having a real life.)

            I’m not going to sit here and rewrite every scathing remark that I found there, but if you’d like to read them yourself, just click the link above. All I’m going to do is list a few things that frankly, really got my goat.

            As Jane would list them, A.) The creators are not only being bullied by “shippers,” (people who want two characters to be in a romantic relationship,) but are also allowing themselves to be bullied. B.) “shippers” only watch the show for “Jisbon” (Jane/Lisbon romantic entanglement), C.) romance ruins good shows, D.) it’s okay to “ship” (want a romantic entanglement,) between anyone but “Jisbon” even if they’re murderers, cons, or strangers, E.) Jane and Lisbon have no chemistry and Jane doesn’t even like Lisbon, F.) the Red John Episode was a disappointment, and finally G.) “real fans” aren’t “Jisbon shippers.”  

            It seems like there’s a few people out there who are finding a lot to complain about The Mentalist, which has left me wondering why they even watch the show in the first place? Thankfully, as you have the right to complain, I, as well, have the right to address “said” complaints.

            I must say that as far as insults go A.) was certainly all encompassing. Not only did you insult the “shipper” fans of the show, (which was assuredly your purpose,) you also managed to insult the creators, writers and actors of the show as well, (which I’m thinking wasn’t your purpose). Bravo! This “bullying,” comment assumes that the creators and writers have so little pride and affection for their work that they would give in to anyone who was trying to ruin the integrity of what they have built.

            If this is indeed what you were saying, and it sure sounds that way to me, I must assume that you have never written a word in your life and could therefore never understand how attached writers become to what they have created. In many ways, it’s not unlike a parent/child relationship. I can attest that no amount of pressure would ever make me change something to “please” fans. Really quick, though, I need to explain that what I’m talking about here is the true and original intent of the story. So, if the original intent of the show was that Jane and Lisbon end up together or not then small things, ie when or how they end up together, might change, but not if they do. And I can tell you this much: Bruno Heller is no push over.

            In a tvline.com interview regarding the relationship between Jane and Lisbon, Heller said that, “They haven’t been thinking about [their growing closeness] while it’s been happening, so all this accumulated emotion and feeling has been building up, essentially behind them. It’s only when they step away from that and can turn around and look back that they will really start to see how they feel about each other, and it’s great fun to explore that on the page. I think it’s going to be a whole different look at these two characters.” (http://tvline.com/2013/09/19/the-mentalist-season-6-jane-lisbon-spoilers/.)

            Also you say that you are “real fans,” but threaten to stop watching the show should Jane and Lisbon ever end up together. Now, I am not a “real fan,” as you defined it, but I can say this in concern to B.) I wouldn’t stop watching the show if Jane and Lisbon didn’t end up together, so why would you, as “real fans,” stop watching if they did? Do I want Jane and Lisbon together? Absolutely! But there is so much more to the show than that: the humor, the fact that Jane makes an effort to be happy even though he has every reason to be sad, Cho… Need I say more?

            It just doesn’t make sense that you’d stop watching especially when so many of you claim that you watch the show solely for the procedural aspect which would remain even if Jane and Lisbon did end up together. (C.)

            I am a, (cringe,) “Jisbon Shipper.” (Worst couple name ever. Sounds like a pole dancer in Vegas.) That said, confessed, whatever, I am actually excited about the idea of Jane asking someone out on a date. I, eventually, didn’t mind it when he kissed Erica Flynn in season four, (after I knew she wouldn’t be coming back,) and was fine with him going out to dinner and dancing with Kim Fischer. In my opinion Jane will need to do these things if he is ever to find his, (my twitter friends will be so proud of me for using this,) OTP, (One True Paring.) By the way, who comes up with these things? 

            What I don’t understand and am not okay with is the idea that it’s perfectly okay to “Ship” Jane with anyone “with two legs,” as some twitter friends put it, as long as they are not Lisbon, including murderers: Erica Flynn, Lorelei Martins; Cons: Erica Flynn, Kristina Fry; or total strangers: Kim Fischer. (D.)

            Uh, seriously people? Do you hate Lisbon, and dare I say Jane, that much? Now I’m hoping it’s clear why I wouldn’t want Patrick Jane with murderers, or cons, so I’m just going to skip explaining my reasoning there in the hope that you’re not completely out in left field mentally and just move on to Kim Fischer.

            My Blue Heaven hadn’t even aired before people were claiming Kim Fischer was Jane’s OTP. Which confuses me yet again, because Lisbon “haters” love to claim that she and Jane have no chemistry, E.) while at the same time saying he would have tons of chemistry with a character we hadn’t even seen him with yet.

            Now correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that kind of claim slightly reminiscent to the one made by the builders of the Titanic who said that it was unsinkable? The truth of the matter is that this type of claim only sets you up for failure, because until it’s been tested there’s no way you can really know. (It’s a double metaphor. I love it! Especially because I think your “Fane” or “Jisher Ship” is going down. Also it appears there is a couple name worse than Jisbon.)

            I’ll give you this much though, at least Fischer isn’t a criminal, murderer, or con woman, but could we please see them together before you decide they are perfect for one another and that Lisbon should, indeed, be kicked to the curb? Is that really so much to ask? Especially six seasons in when we’re already emotionally invested in the cast we have?

            The sad thing, for you “Fane shippers” anyway, is that even if you were to come to me now and say at this point, “Well, hey, we’ve seen them together and they were perfect,” I couldn’t trust your judgment because you had already decided they were “perfect” before you ever actually saw them together.

            It wouldn’t be an argument for their chemistry, (which I can be mature enough to admit they have, unlike all of you with Jisbon,) but only for your desperation not to see Jisbon happen.

            Besides, I thought you were watching The Mentalist for the procedural aspect, (C.), so why are you “shipping” in the first place? Especially given you believe that romance only ruins good stories.

            On that awesomely ridiculous note, romance doesn’t ruin, it sells. People like falling in love and watching other people fall in love. It’s a natural human instinct and desire to crave love and enjoy watching it. Unless of course you are the emotional equivalent of a slug, in which case, if you are, I apologize in advance.

            I for one have never been a big fan of romance-centric movies, books or television shows. In fact I find them quite boring. He and She meet, some conflict ensues that keeps them apart, conflict is resolved, they get together, and often crying is expected. Meh. No thank you. That said, it is a well known fact that the best and most popular stories out there have been romances or have had dominating romantic storylines in them. Ie: Titanic, (haha, still funny,) Twilight (I apologize for pulling this card,) Batman, Superman, Iron Man, Thor, and all these awesome “superhero” movies that have been coming out lately, Bones, Castle, and even The Divinci Code, all had or have dominating romances in their storylines that have far from ruined what they are. 

            If anything this only proves that romance helps draw in audiences and gives them something to invest in that can be streamed in throughout every episode, unlike the case-of-the-day scenario. Romance makes our beloved characters human, which is what people like to see.

            That said I’d like to speak to the idea that Jane and Lisbon have no chemistry and specifically the person who quoted Bruno Heller saying that they were like siblings. You’re are absolutely right. Heller did say that, but that’s not all he said. I’m going to quote it directly so that later someone can’t accuse me of picking and choosing parts of quotes I think will make my points, which is what I am accusing you of right now.

            In the Hollywood reporter, Bruno Heller said, “I think their,” (Jane and Lisbon’s,) “feelings for each other, whatever they are, have been masked by this joint mission they’ve been on. Now they’re getting toward the end of that mission—for good or ill, success or failure. Certainly Lisbon is beginning to think about what happens after and how is that relationship going to change. They’ve always thought themselves that it’s a brother-sister, professional relationship, but clearly there is more there that they’re not really aware of themselves. Once Red John is gone, if he goes, the real relationship that they have with each other is then exposed to light, if you like, then they have to deal with that.” (Here’s a link for those of you who’d call me liar: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/mentalist-season-6-preview-bruno-638413.)

            On the examiner.com Bruno Heller also said this about Jane and Lisbon which you might find interesting or infuriating, “I think they absolutely love each other. Have they ever laid there at night and thought about the other one and what that would be like to be a romantic couple? Of course they have, and that’s exactly what they’re going to continue feeling and thinking.” (http://www.examiner.com/article/the-mentalist-6-01-photos-romance-for-jane-and-lisbon-teased.)

            Further, I’d like to give some evidence from the show itself. I’ve picked three episodes to make my point, intentionally picking two which were written by Heller, since you like to use parts of his quotes to make your invalid points. I also picked examples spanning the seasons so as to be more than clear than you have been in the opposition, that there have been moments of potential romance building between Jane and Lisbon.

            The pilot has an excellent moment at the end of the episode after Jane gives Lisbon an origami frog he made for her, when he steps off to the side to watch her without the worry that she’ll catch him in the act. He gives a huge smile at her surprise when the frog jumps, then becomes sullen (?) and walks off.

            In season three, episode ten, Red Moon, Jane goes to Lisbon’s hotel room and wakes her up. When she opens the door she is in her night shirt. He proceeds to tell her to get dressed, and when she goes to do so, closing her door behind her, he tries to look through her peephole and then her curtains.

            In season five, episode two, Devil’s Cherry, Jane drinks a poison that causes him to hallucinate his deceased daughter, who later in the episode asks Jane after proclaiming that Lisbon is “cute” if they’d ever gotten together. So either the actual ghost of his daughter is pushing him toward Lisbon or his subconscious is.

            Bruno Heller may have said that they have thought themselves brother and sister, but he has said other things about their relationship, and one thing is for sure, his writing absolutely negates the sibling theory.

            I can say, with much gratitude, that my brothers have never once stared at me as Jane did with Lisbon in the Pilot episode, (and other episodes as well,) my brothers have never checked out my legs while I was in my nightshirt, and my brothers have never had a subconscious hallucinations of their deceased daughter, or her actual ghost, (whatever you prefer to believe,) asking them if we’ve ever gotten together. Hallelujah!

            Brothers and sisters do not flirt. Yuck. Although if yours do, in hindsight, that would explain a lot. Point being, if “Jisbon” happens, it’s not because the fans forced the writers to do it, (A.). If anything it’s Bruno Heller and the other writer’s fault for putting it into our heads in the first place. From the Pilot, nonetheless!

            And finally, one more thing regarding romance, I’d like to point out that, (while I’ve made some jabs myself, they were mostly to garner a laugh,) this is just a television show. Fiction, not fact. I know because my family tells me on a regular basis. (I think they’re worried I’ve forgotten.) And while I can admit to being more than a little emotionally invested in the show and its characters, I’d like to hope that I am smart enough to realize that not everyone is going to agree with me and hope that I can show a modicum of self-control and decency toward real human beings, even if they disagree with me over my opinion of fictional characters.

            Moving on.

            There is one more issue that I would like to address and that is the completely naïve understanding of those who think the Red John episode was such a letdown that they need to broadcast their disappointment all over the internet. 

            First of all, I’d like to see you do better.

            Second, to all of you who think this and have the nerve to post you thoughts over and over again all over the internet, I say to you that it is clear that you have no real understanding of what it takes to make a good story.

            Since season three of The Mentalist I have been sure that Gale Bertram was Red John. Now that I know he is not, I am not disappointed, because as a writer I understand that there is a process one must go through to keep people guessing and a story fun.

            After the fifth season finale and over the course of the following summer I started vacillating on my belief that Bertram was Red John and was really starting to think that it was Brett Partridge. Partridge was on the list of seven suspects Jane had, was present at several Red John crime scenes, as a matter of fact I think he only had one episode that was not in some way Red John related, and to top it off about 70 percent of people who were voting online as to who they believed Red John was voted for him. He almost had me won over.

            However, as I was watching the first episode of season six, my writers brain kicked into gear and I started weighing the options of him actually being Red John with knowing the popular opinion. I thought to myself, Bruno Heller and the writers must have seen that he was the most popular choice. When this thought occurred to me, I turned to my mom and said, “If Bruno Heller is smart, he’ll kill Partridge by the end of the episode.” And Bam! Partridge died.

            As a writer, you always have to be thinking, “who is the most unexpected person?” As soon as they saw that people were voting for Partridge, it would have been silly, from a writers standpoint, to make him Red John, even if they’d thought about making him so, which I’m sure was an idea that they had toyed with.

            Now, for those of you who are thinking to yourself, “she just said you can’t change original intent,” I would point out that the Bruno Heller and the writers did not start out the show saying that a specific person would be Red John. Instead they figured it out as they went, so it was not original or true intent. (For those of you who thought they found a loophole in the potential Jisbon proviso above.)

            After Partridge died I went back to my original suspect Gale Bertram, and I tell you I absolutely hung onto my belief until the Episode Red John. It wasn’t until Bertram started saying he was Red John, in fact, that I realized that he wasn’t. Again, because as a writer, especially a smart one like Bruno Heller, there was no way they could make Bertram Red John. It would have been bad, even lazy writing. What they did, from a writers standpoint, especially a writer with access to the internet and the hundreds upon hundreds of opinions of who Red John is readily available to him, he would have known to keep turning the corner into unexpected, and I for one think he and all the writers did an exceptional job.

            It’s not just me who thinks this as the Episode Red John pulled in some of the highest ratings the show has had in a long time, which was even more impressive when you consider that it had to compete with football, an award show on another channel at the same time, and an early leak of the episode. Despite all of that it was the highest rated show that Sunday night, on all the channels. Yay! And high ratings carried over to the following episode My Blue Heaven, proving that fans of the show weren’t as disappointed with the Red John reveal as you ne’re-do-wells think they should be, or not so secretly want it to have done, (which I say without remorse as you openly discuss your “disappointment,” with what the creators, writers, cast and crew worked so painstakingly to provide.)

            The Mentalist is amazing no matter what direction they take it in and I for one will watch it even though Bertram wasn’t Red John, and even if Jane goes on a date with a girl who isn’t Lisbon. Did I want Bertram to be Red John? Yes. Do I want Jane with Lisbon? Yes please! It’s the only pairing that makes any sense to me, especially after five years, but no matter what, I’ve come to conclude after five and a half years of watching this show, and never having been disappointed by it, that the creators, the writers, and the actors know what they are doing and won’t disappoint me in the future.

            The only thing I need to worry about disappointing me is once again stumbling into nonsense like I did at the end of the tvline article, with malcontents freaking out over every little, ridiculous thing. Although, since you have already proved how easily discontented you are maybe you’ll finally just give up watching The Mentalist, which many of you have claimed is your favorite show, and stop complaining about how much you “hate” what they’re doing, and allow us “fake” (G.) and perfectly contented fans to watch and enjoy the show, with the new blood it’s bringing in, in peace.

            A girl can always dream anyway.

Garlic (Excerpt)

       Being a bestselling author of a vampire series is easy, especially when the series is based on your own life, what I hate is the book signings. The line of desperate women—drooling, calling my series Garlique, and asking for personal inscriptions reading: yours forever, thanks for last night, and (my personal favorite) yes indeed the female interest in my last book was based on your beauty, Love Bryan Ares.
        
         Gag me. 

My chauffeur drove my Bentley up to the curb of the Barnes and Noble on 2289 Broadway and stopped. There was a line down the block and around the corner. Women aging from teenager to well over middle age started screaming as my publisher, Marcus Herman, walked over and opened my door. 

            “You’re late.” He was all smiles, but his tone was angry. He blocked his eyes from the sun despite his sunglasses and stood back.

            I stepped out of the Bentley and into the topping ninety-five degree plus humidity weather that’s common of New York summers. I straightened my suit, squinted into the sun then waved to my fans. The cries of joy grew louder and covered the sounds of angry drivers honking at my chauffer to move the Bentley.

“I’m here,” I shot back feigning a smile of my own.

          “I was taking bets,” he said giving me a knowing look as he ushered me past my fans and into the store.

A cool breeze hit me as I entered and I sighed in relief. Marcus had clearly made a fuss after last time, but I wasn't naive enough to think it had anything to do with my comfort. The smell of coffee found its way to my nose from the coffee shop in the corner and a life size cutout of myself stared at me from beside the signing table. I grimaced. The store was empty except for staff. A squeal made its way out of the mouth of a woman wearing slacks and a heavy sweater who was heading determinedly through the store and in my direction. I looked at Marcus, eyebrow raised.

“If you dislike the attention so much why do you publish?” he asked me.

I shrugged. He had me there. “How long is this thing going to take?”

“Just a couple of hours,” he assured me.

“Mr. Ares,” the manager squeaked again as she came up. Her name tag read: Jan. 

Fabulous.

Marcus shook her hand first. He then leaned toward me and whispered, as the woman took my hand in hers, “Or until the line is gone.”

I masked a cringe with a smile.

“We are just so excited to have you here, I’m Jan, the manager,” she told me stepping into my personal space, then craned her neck up to look me in the eye. “I’m a huge fan. All of our employees are very excited to meet you. Your books are wonderful. This one is your best yet.” She continued shaking my hand fervently.

I lifted her hand to mouth and kissed it, then took a step back and dropped it. Her face blanched. I smiled. Marcus elbowed me.

“I hope this isn’t too presumptuous of me,” she said, no doubt feeling encouraged by the kiss, “but you are so much better looking in person than in your picture.”

“Thank you, the pleasure’s all yours,” I said.

Her brow furrowed, then she laughed and said, “You mean mine?”

“Exactly,” I said.

She continued, “Did you see your review in the Times today. It was glowing.”

Marcus leaned over and whispered to me again, “Wasn’t the reviewer the woman you met on the nude…” He stopped speaking abruptly and glanced at Jan.

I cocked an eyebrow and smiled down at her. She wrung her hands together then looked uneasily between Marcus and me.

“Why don’t you show us where he’ll be sitting,” Marcus offered quickly, trying to help her out of her stupor.

She giggled. “Right, oh my goodness,” she said in an octave I was sure was only meant for dogs. “I’m so nervous.”

Marcus held out his hand gesturing for her to lead the way. “No need,” he assured her.

         She smiled then turned heading back toward her employees. “Of course not,” she said, “we’re all human after all, right?”

I rolled my eyes and Marcus smirked.

“Right,” he told her.

*****

“I love Garlique,” a titillated fan said to me an hour into the signing, “It’s the most wonderful series.”

I didn’t look back at Marcus, but I could sense him smirking and I managed a smile by thinking of how I was going to make him pay later.

“Garlic,” I corrected her.

Her smile dropped and she looked at me expectantly. “What?”

Marcus bumped into my chair and my stomach slammed into the edge of the table.

         “Oh, yikes,” he said. “Sorry about that.”

I grimaced. “Thank you,” I addressed the woman and handed her book back to her. When she left I crinkled my nose at the pungent smell of garlic that trailed her and looked back at Marcus before I waived my next nightmare forward.

He handed me a thermos. “You’re getting testy,” he said. “Drink this.”

“Type A?” I asked in a hushed tone.

He nodded. “1983, your favorite.”

He took the seat next to me. I flipped the straw up and took a long pull, my teeth tingled at the first touch of blood on my tongue and I felt myself starting to relax. A few more sips and I was downright placid. Marcus knew me well. I closed the thermos and took a drink of water from the glass provided me by Jan and waved the next woman over. She was in her mid-twenties, with a low cut blouse, dark brown hair, and curves in all the right places. I sat a little taller, so did Marcus.

“Well, hello,” I said reaching out.

She smiled as she bent over to hand me her book. “Can you please sign it to: My Victoria?” She batted her lashes at me.

I took her book and grinned. “I’d be happy to,” I told her. I signed her book and slid it back into her hands. As I did a small piece of paper found its way into my hand.

“Thank you,” she said batting her lashes. “This is my first time to New York. I was lucky you were doing this.”

I leaned forward. Maybe this wasn’t going to be such a loss after all. “Oh, yeah. How long are you in town for?”

“Depends,” her voice sultry and deep, then she mouthed, “call me.” She stood tall, winked at Marcus and walked off.

Marcus and I watched her strut off in her purple miniskirt and I sighed as the next person in line came to my table not bothering to wait until I waved her forward. I looked up and was temporarily startled when I saw two men standing in front of me, badges held out.

“Brian Ares,” one of the cops said. “I’m Detective Boss, and this is Detective Harris.”

         Marcus stood up. “What’s this about?” he asked. 

Detective Harris spoke this time, “It’s a private matter.” He gestured to the line of shivering, scantily clad women behind him.

I peered around them at the next woman in line and shuddered at the frizzy, sweaty mess that seemed to be the only person not affected by the air-conditioner.

“Right now?” Marcus asked. “It can’t wait until after the signing?”

I stood up. “It’s okay Marcus,” I told him. “Anything I can do to help the NYPD.” I buttoned my jacket grabbed the thermos and strode away with the detectives and Marcus behind me.

A Couch Potatoes Guide to Exercise: For the Exercise Bum

            We all know how important exercise is and are reminded of it on a near daily basis. When were in the line at the grocery store and we see five different magazines telling us we need to lose ten pounds, or on TV when we see men and women who are abnormally fit showing off their bodies and even when our doctors weigh us in for our yearly checkups. It feels like you can’t escape it, especially in this health conscious world we live in, despite the fact that nearly everyone around us is in the exact same ‘unhealthy’ boat we’re in.

            We make New Year’s resolutions that fail, have skinny and fat clothes and compare ourselves to others, when in reality we shouldn’t make it a goal to exercise only once a year, but every day, we shouldn’t keep clothes that fit us at all sizes and we shouldn’t be trying to look like that one actress from our favorite movie. We are too busy making excuses and preventing ourselves from being successful.

Being a connoisseur of excuses myself—Oh, the call of TV, a good book or a nap—I devised a plan one day, while watching a show, ahem, to ascertain my favorite excuses and spend a month discovering how to break those down. I exercised five days a week for a month and wrote down what was difficult and how I overcame it and now you get to benefit from my trials.

Excuse # 1 I don’t have enough time to exercise.

This was the perfect excuse to start with, because it is one that I’ve used religiously for the past six years. I would say, “I have work, school, family, etc. and no time to exercise.” In the end I decided to make it a priority for school—I needed material to write an article and from that need something changed. Somehow, magically, I had an hour and half every day that I didn’t have before—a miracle!

Wrong—my day wasn’t miraculously an hour and a half longer, it still had the same 24 hours in it that it always had, the difference being I had made exercise a priority. And not only did I make it a priority, I also planned which days I would be working out, and what time on those days and then when those days and times came along I refused to think about exercising. Instead, I just got ready and did it. It’s surprisingly easy to talk yourself out of doing it, so don’t, just do it.

Excuse # 2 Exercise is Boring/I’m too tired

Exercise can absolutely be boring if you’re doing something you don’t like AND if you don’t like it and happen to be tired then you might as well kiss you exercise goals goodbye. Having a program you love is vital to killing these excuses. Schedule a month where you try two or three different kinds of exercises a week and give each different exercise your all. The more exercises you try the more likely you are to find something you’ll love and if you love it, it’ll be so much easier to follow through.

It’s also incredibly helpful to get friends involved. Friends can offer emotional support and help can help keep you motivated. I wasn’t able to find friends that were available to exercise at the same time of the day I was, but two weeks into my experiment, I had two girlfriends who started doing the same workout that I am doing and they reported back to me on their progress. I found that my overall cardio time vastly improved when I felt like I was competing with my friends.

And finally, depending on what kind of exercise you’re doing, I’ve learned that it helps to have good music on and to have it on loud. Having music play quietly in the background doesn’t get my energy pumping, but loud energetic music does; the louder the better.

Excuse # 3 I want instant results

            We live in a world where instant gratification is commonplace, so it can be frustrating when you start exercising to not see an immediate change in your overall appearance and because of this many people give up after a short amount of time.

            I realized straightaway that if I was going to stick it out I was going to have to focus my results on things other than my physical appearance. I made a list of issues that I’d been having that I hoped exercise would help with, including: back pain, low energy, stress, headaches and migraines, and insomnia. I kept a daily scale of each and was thrilled with the results.

I saw quick changes with my energy levels, stress, insomnia and headaches. I always feel more energized after each workout, my stress levels began to drop substantially, but the one that I was most pleased with was the decrease in my headaches. I went from having a headache every day to maybe one or two a week. One or two may seem like a lot to some people, but for someone who is used to having daily headaches this has been a miracle, and from this a good night’s rest also came more easily.

            After a couple of weeks my back pain had decreased by half and now, a month in is almost non-existent. Aside from these results I am also starting to see a physical change as well. If you can find something other than appearance to focus on it will help you to value exercise so much more than just what it can do for you on the surface.

            In the end, and most importantly, I learned not to beat myself up over a missed day or because I ate a cupcake. I was making a concerted effort to exercise and for someone who would rather be doing anything but, that’s fantastic. If you allow yourself to feel guilty you’ll never stick it out. While a lifestyle change will have to occur to be successful, that doesn’t mean you punish yourself either.

            So, to recap, make exercise a priority, find something you can do that you’ll love, get friends involved, pump the music up, don’t let your physical appearance be the only thing that determines your success, and don’t beat yourself up. From one couch potato to another I say, if I can do it, so can you.

The Fun House

Reilly woke to a throbbing head and blurry eyes. A bright light hung above her head, swaying back and forth. She squeezed her eyes shut then opened them again but it didn’t help. She could barely make anything out. She began to lift her hand to her head, but stopped with a jolt. She tried lifting her head, and moving the rest of her body, unsuccessfully. Panic began to take over, but she reined it in just as she’d been trained. Panic didn’t belong in bad situations.

“Detective Reilly,” a maniacal male voice said. “You’re awake. I was starting to worry that I’d overdosed you.”

“What?” Her throat constricted when she spoke. She swallowed. “Who are you?”

“You can’t see me?” She could hear the man moving around, but everything was too bright, too blurry to see what he was doing. “I have overdosed you,” he said sounding disappointed. A hand touched her face tenderly, caressing it. “Well, that’s no good. Won’t do at all. How will I have my fun with you and Mr. Bell, if you’re not conscious enough…”

Somewhere in the depths of her mind she knew exactly what was going on. When she’d gotten to her car, after talking with Bell in the parking lot, she’d been tasered from behind. She could still feel the pain of the electricity shooting through her body, the stiffening of her body before she'd gone limp. She’d fallen to the pavement and watched as a fist slammed into her face.

She wiggled uncomfortably, and knew she should fight, that she was in grave danger, but she was tired, too tired. Her lids were heavy and despite her efforts to keep them open, they slowly shut, blocking out the light and trying to rid her of consciousness yet again.

“Reilly,” a kind female voice called out to her. “Open your eyes. Can you see me?”

She forced her eyes open with everything she had in her, and gasped at the effort. She could faintly hear a male voice talking to her somewhere in the back of her consciousness, and could feel course hands on her face, stroking it, but she ignored him. She looked around trying to close in on the female voice she’d heard and found her after a moment. The woman was pale, but her skin was glowing, she had big green eyes, and caramel colored hair. The woman really was a sight to behold.

“There,” the woman’s face looked relieved as she stared down at Reilly, “you see me. Good. That will make this much easier.”

Reilly cleared her throat. “Make what easier? What’s happening?” Reilly’s lids began to droop again.

“I don’t have much time,” the woman told her a small quaver in her voice. “You have to tell me what to do?”

Reilly forced her eyes open again. “Tell you what to do?”

“Yes. How can I get you out of here?” The woman began ringing her hands together. “What do you need?”

Reilly’s mind raced. What did she need? She was drugged, she was sure of that much.

The woman spoke again, “Please, you have to hurry.” 

Reilly tried thinking through her options. There was no way she’d be able to get out of here by herself. She needed help. She opened her mouth, started to form the name “Bell,” but stopped herself from saying it out loud. It still rang out loud and clear in her mind.

The woman smiled and the light around her increased tenfold. “I was hoping that’s what you’d want.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Reilly managed to get out.

“But your wish was clear as day,” the woman said anxiously. “I’ll get him here.”

“Get who here? Who are you?” she sounded panicked even to her own ears.

“I’m someone who knows how much you care about him, and who knows how much he cares about you.” The woman had tears in her eyes. “He couldn’t save me and it was almost the death of him, if he lost you too…” She looked around as if a voice only she could hear had called out to her.
          
          Reilly blinked with a sudden realization. “Elizabeth?” she asked softly. The woman returned her gaze to Reilly and smiled weakly. Reilly could feel panic building in her core. “No, don’t bring him here,” she yelled, but it was too late the woman disappeared in front of her eyes.

A sleazy looking man, lanky body, greasy brown hair, wearing a medical mask appeared in front of her.

He was smirking down at her. “Mr. Bell?” the man questioned. “I won’t bring him here. It’ll be much more fun to send you to him, piece by piece.”

“Why…who…” she could feel her arm getting very cold; the drugs were taking her down again. She tried to fight it, but it was too much, too strong.

Her eyes closed against her will and just before she lost consciousness she heard the man’s voice trill in her ear, “Welcome to the fun house.”